When What we Want is not Accordance with Reality

Assalamualaikum Beautiful,

Quite long title for a post, right? Yes, I wanna tell you a story about when what we want is not accordance with reality. So, alhamdulillah my pregnancy has already reach 36 weeks now.. or 9 months! yes, aku lagi menghitung hari.. counting til the day is come.. when we meet our baby for the first time.. InsyaAllah..


As pregnant women in general, from the beginning of pregnancy we are haunted by some of the fears about the pregnancy thingy. Especially about the health of the fetus in the womb. Eat healthy and nutritious foods, do not eat carelessly, increase nutrition to the baby in the womb, and so forth. And of course, as a mother-to be, we want the best for our babies, right? That is just the problem of nutrition and health of the fetus. Not to mention the other issues that we often think about during pregnancy, childbirth.

Most pregnant women crave to give birth the natural way or normal. At least that's what I wanted from the beginning. For delivery by normal means, said a lot of people a lot of benefits. First, it quickly recovered. Secondly, could feel the struggle of a real motherhood. Third, but not least important, is much cheaper. Hehe. So I had been longing to have a normal delivery. Until the time I join pregnancy exercise for the first time when my pregnancy was more or less than 30 weeks. After the exercise, the instructor asked the participants, "anyone here suffer eye minus?" Then I raised my hand and said, "I was minus 4 and 5." Then the nurse informed something that I had never heard before, she told me that pregnant women who suffer  should consult to eye doctor with a referral from the obstetrician.The explanation, someone with minus eye may have a thin retina so it would be very risky when pushing in the normal birth process.

After hearing that, I decide to go to eye doctor A.S.A.P to have my eyes checked. Especially the retina. Of course I went to the doctor with my husband. First, I didn't really worried about what will the doctor say. Aku cenderung santai sambil terus dzikir didalam hati. Berusaha pasrah dan ikhlas dengan apapun keputusan dokter pada saat itu. Lalu masuklah aku ke ruang praktek dokter mata dan akan periksa retinaku, she's a retina expert (they said). Mulai deh ngerasain ketegangan itu, tapi tetep berusaha santai dan sok akrab ama dokter sambil menjelaskan kedatanganku kesana dan mau cek apa. Beliau pun langsung ngerti. After a little bit chit chat, she told me to sit on the hot seat, the examination seat. First she check my right eye, and I heard she was whispering, "bagus.. masih oke.." and then come with my left eye, and she continues whispering, "wah, banyak cracknya.. gak bisa spontan ini sih.." And my heart beat faster than before.. hah? crack? gak bisa spontan?? what are they supposed to mean??? Dan kami pun kembali duduk di meja konsultasi dokter sambil beliau menjelaskan pelan-pelan. She start to draw my eye condition while explaining, "jadi kondisi mata yang sehat itu seperti ini bu...." and she explains about healthy eye condition. Barulah setelah itu beliau menjelaskan tentang keadaan mataku, beliau bilang retina mata kananku masih bagus dan tidak terjadi penipisan. Tapi masalahnya ada pada retina mata kiriku.. sudah terjadi banyak penipisan atau crack di beberapa spot. Kondisi ini termasuk yang high risk untuk melahirkan secara spontan/ normal. Karena apabila mata yg retinanya tipis ini dipaksakan untuk mengejan ketika persalinan, kemungkinan terburuk bisa terjadi. Yaitu RETINA LEPAS atau ROBEK yang akan menyebabkan BUTA mendadak. Dan dokter pun berkata, "Jadi, saya highly recommend you to have c-section".

Aku cuma bisa diem, gak kuat ngomong apa-apa. Seperti adegan sinetron, suddenly my inner voice was so loud and other voices just like echoing and fade away. Dan tiba-tiba mata becek.. berusaha nahan tapi akhirnya gak tertahan juga dan nangislah aku diruang dokter. Knowing that I can't have normal delivery for my first child is trully devastating for me. All my dreams and thought of having those pain before delivery.. pushing.. all vanish just like that. Sedih bangetttt..

But theeenn, I realize.. Ini semua udah kehendak Allah.. dari mulai aku ikut senam hamil, kemudian instrukturnya nanya soal mata minus and I raised my hand.. Itu udah kehendak Allah..bisa aja kan aku hari itu gak senam, atau instrukturnya pas lg gak nanya, atau aku gak usah angkat tangan krn pada hari itu pun aku pake soft lense koq. Back again, ini kehendak Allah.. Allah yang mengatur semuanya.. Subhanallah.. Jadi sekarang udah harus ikhlas dan nerima kalo untuk anak pertama, insyaAllah aku harus menjalani operasi caesar. But it doesn't matter as long as my baby is healthy. I'm healthy. and my husband healthy. InsyaAllah aamiin.

Jadi sekarang lagi mau nentuin tanggal nih, kapan kira-kira mau melahirkannya. Hehehe.. Pray for us yaa.. Maaf kalo tulisannya panjang..

Mamam and Papap to be. Aamiin (36 weeks)